There’s this saying that circulates; “It costs nothing to be a nice person.”
It sounds like it should be true, of course. Reasonable. Duh, everyone should be nice. Right?
I disagree.
And the more experienced I get and the more like myself I become, the stronger I disagree.
In no particular order, here is what being a “nice person” has cost me;
- More businesses than I want to count.
- The use of my original art, for free, for a commercial reason
- Roughly $15,000 to an ex, who should have been an ex much sooner.
- My dignity
- My boundaries (point of fact, I only managed to build some over the last YEAR)
- A 3rd place ribbon for horse riding, because the person that was actually in 4th just TOOK the 3rd one. Yup.
- My first sexual experience.
- Hell, not to put too fine a point on it, but most of my sexual experiences.
- My financial security. More than once. I cringe, but it’s true.
- A couple of laptops
- My pride, on a number of occasions
There’s probably more, but that’s just what comes to mind.
See the problem with being a nice person, and trying to be nice to everyone, and making that a cornerstone of your personality (as a lot of us do)… is that people who aren’t nice will absolutely take advantage of you.
They may be quite polite about it. Charming. Manipulative. Or they may be forceful assholes. Either way, if you’re being “nice” and civil and handling things appropriately all the time without discrimination it’s not going to end well for you.
“Nice” is honestly a terrible thing for you to aspire to be.
Side note: One of my tutors at college made a valid point here that still rings in my ears. It was about artwork, but what he said (paraphrasing, this was some time ago) was that if anyone tells you that your art is “nice” you should punch them in the face. Because its a damn insult and your art should always be more than that. Any other adjective is better than Nice.
Part of the problem, I believe, is in the meaning we attach to nice. There are commendable synonyms for it (friendly, good, charming, becoming, considerate, gracious, to name a few) but there are also synonyms that disempower us. “Okay”, “Approved”, “Ingratiating”, “Obliging”, “Pleasant”, “Polite”, “Unpresumptuous.”
The image that conjures isn’t flattering. Personally, I’d rather poke my eyes out than be any of those things as my main descriptor.
“You should talk to Heather, she’s obliging.”
– Said no one ever.
“Heather? Oh she’s so pleasant!”
– Said occasionally, and meant.
“If I had to describe Heather, I’d say she was polite and unpresumptuous.”
– *laughter echoes*
I dunno about you, but where I’m from? Any of those is a solid reason for minor violence. Yet we’ll accept “Nice”, won’t we?
Now obviously there are times where you have to be these things, absolutely. People are a rich tapestry of descriptors and sometimes the more diplomatic behaviours are required for taking our place in a civilized society. (Otherwise we really would have people running around getting into fist-fights over words)
But if you want my advice it’s this.
If you’re going to be nice, smile with your teeth. And show a willingness to use them if need be.
And more than that, be your Self and unlimited to unimaginative descriptions, labels, and assumptions of being.